The worst thing for me I think in dealing with fibromyalgia is the constant thought that has to be put into every single action that I take. Every thought, every step , and every breath requires an enormous about of thought. Trying to decide how IT (every single action I take) will impact my body because it will undoubtedly affect my body. Trouble is I can never know how much it will impact. Or how it will impact. The impact is always inconsistent. The impact is never the same. So I can perform one action today and I might feel ok. But if I do the exact same action later on today or tomorrow it will have a completely different effect. So unpredictable. So unreliable. I know this but I think and over think about everything. In every way. All day. Every day. This is exhausting. This is futile. Yet the thoughts never leave.
But I can never not think about fibromyalgia. I guess thinking about it (that is the action) is my way of control. I’ve lost so much control of my life that I guess I try to maintain control in self-destructive ways. Yes for me living with fibro, thinking is self-destructive. Thinking requires energy. Energy that I rarely have. Energy comes at a premium. Yet I think my energy away. You see: Self- Destructive. Thinking is self-destructive. Thinking is futile. Thinking won’t change a thing about my condition. Yet I think. In every way. All day. Every day.
The PAIN, ACHE, FATIGUE, and WEIGHT, is always there. The PAIN is Invisible. The PAIN is Silent. The PAIN is Enormous. The PAIN is always there. Like dragging a horse around. OR carrying a mountain on my back at all times. This becomes the vicious maddening cycle of my life with Fibro.
No one but those who suffer can grasp the toll this alone takes.
And yet these words don’t come close to fully explaining how I feel.
No person can ever understand how I truly feel.
And I can’t explain it.
Invisible but there.